i'm gone but i don't know where
2004-06-04
@ 2:49 p.m.
i don't have the kind of courage that it takes to stand up to my family, to my hidden fears and agendas. whenever i even begin to start dwelling over the situations inside my head, my heartrate begins to quicken and my breathe becomes short. i feel like the world is collapsing around me, like a burning barn caving in on itself. i deny all these bad situations, all these heartaches, so much so that i even find it difficult to explain exactly why the world around me is collapsing. it's so odd. i deny myself my very own truth. i don't know why. maybe i think that, if i pretend that it doesn't exist, that all of this misery will simply disapate? how foolish. i need to remember these incidents vividly, every single detail. if for nothing else, at least i should do it for my own welfare.
i suppose i'm still just trying to figure out the things in life that needs to be adjusted. i can't continue to walk around in some foggy haze. i'll weather this storm somehow. i don't think it's quite as tragic as i make it out to be. or maybe it is. maybe i should be concerned that i've barely spoken to my parents in years, that my father never looks me in the eyes anymore. perhaps this is all a warning sign, a fucking signal. but i'm just too prideful to acknowledge it.
i know what needs to be done at this point. i have to follow through with my plans. i'm still going to n.y.c. i'm determined. it's the only thread of light i've had lately. it's the reason why i get out of bed anymore. this is my adventure. i'm going through with it, vengefull pride and all. i'll force my way through anyone's doubt, and i shall rise above them all! this is all i can do for right now.
